This Isn't How It's Suppost To Happen
by Star of CCTV
Summary: Alex's thoughts on how it was supposed to work out with Izzie.


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_Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters.  
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Sitting in an on-call room staring at a plastic cup sitting on a table in front of him Alex could not believe the card life had chosen to deal to him now. This was not now it was supposed to happen. Izzie was not supposed to be sick, Izzie was not supposed to be fighting for her life, Izzie was supposed to always be there for him. That was how he had always planned it. Of course Alex did not look like the kind of guy that made plans. He had learned that the best way to prevent some chick breaking his heart was to not make plans, but it had never been like that with Izzie.

With Izzie he had a plan. He wondered if she knew this. He had never felt that he deserved someone like Izzie which in hind sight was probably why he destroyed his relationship with her the first time round by being with Olivia. But all that was forgiven and forgotten long ago. This time round they were doing things right, or they had been until yesterday.

Yesterday was when he had learned from Cristina that Izzie was sick and ever since she told him he had the same awful feeling in his gut. It was indescribable, worse than fear, worse than nerves, worse than panic. Sighing he looked back at the cup as a new set of tears welled in his eyes. He hated this. He hated that Izzie had to face treatment, that she might potentially die, that he was worried about how he would cope if she was gone but most of all he hated himself. He was a doctor and he missed it but what was even worse was that he could not bring himself to go and talk to Izzie. And he hated himself for it. Maybe it was fear, maybe he wanted to run away but he knew he couldn't.

Until yesterday he was so happy. His career was soaring and his relationship with Izzie was more that he could have wished for and now reality was crashing down on them. He had plans for Izzie the two of them would become the best surgeons they could be and take on the world together. He had recently told her that he loved her even though it had been ages ago that he had fallen for her. Looking back it was really unromantic; it was in the hospital, while they were at work. He had planned to tell her he loved her over a romantic meal with candles, wine and mood music in the back ground. Izzie told him later that it was perfect and sweet because he had told her he loved her in the hospital where they had met and it was not the setting but the words he had said. He never considered himself to be the kind of guy who could pull off romantic dinners or gestures but with Izzie he wanted to at least try. Their first ever kiss in Joe's was romantic, maybe the scene was lacking but he knew he had blown Izzie Stevens away that night, the same way she had blown him away in the early days of their internship.

The first step he saw them taking was to move out of Meredith's and get a place of their own. He still remembered how Izzie's eye's had sparkled when she had found an apartment with and honest to god fireplace in it just a few months back. He would make sure that there was an honest to god fireplace in where ever they moved to. Alex knew that right now they would only be able to afford somewhere small and basic but he liked the idea of small and basic. Meredith's house was so big half the time it felt empty and the only room that Izzie had managed to make her own mark on was her room and maybe the kitchen. Alex wanted to live in a place that had Izzie all over it. He was going to suggest moving out about a month ago but Izzie was acting so strangely he decided against it. If only he had noticed the signs more.

He was going to marry Izzie Stevens. He had decided that a long time ago. None of his friends, even Izzie would ever have thought that Alex had thought about his future with Izzie in great detail. He was planning on proposing. Not anytime soon but it was on the cards. He had imagined different scenarios and settings. He knew that Izzie would be mortified if he proposed in the middle of a restaurant or in front of their friends. He knew that when he asked her to marry him they would be alone, maybe on a beach or in their own place or maybe he would take away somewhere special. Deep down he knew the setting was not important to Izzie. He had often tried to imagine what he would say, how he would ask but right now, with the possibility of losing Izzie he knew he could write a novel telling her how much he needs her.

As his thoughts progressed tears started to slowly creep down his face. He had imagined exactly what Izzie would look like in her wedding dress. He knew no matter how many times he would mentally picture her walking down an aisle towards him the reality would be one hundred times better. He knew she'd have soft curls in her hair, her dress would be simple, elegant and beautiful, her eyes would shine with tears threatening to fall but her smile would be the brightest in the room. While the wedding would be amazing it was the marriage he was looking forward to. Getting mail addressed to the Karevs, having Izzie Karev to go home to every night and to wake up beside every morning. He felt his stomach do a flip and return him to reality as once again his eyes were brought back to the cup in front of him.

As often as he had imagined Izzie in her wedding dress he had imagined what their children would look like. He did not know how many he wanted but he definitely wanted Izzie's children. He could clearly see a little girl with blonde curls and a boy with Alex's brown hair running around the front garden of the large house Izzie and he would own. Izzie would make a great mother. She had all the right traits you find in mothers, Alex could see this when Izzie worked with her patients. There was no one else in the world that Alex wanted to be the mother of his children and this was not the way he wanted to make a baby with Izzie. This was all wrong.

* * *

Brushing tears off his face he thought about what Derek had said earlier while he gently stroked Izzie's arm after the operation. Izzie would have been experiencing hallucinations and Alex had dismissed it. Twice Izzie had told him about Denny and both times he had brushed it off as nothing. He felt so stupid that he had missed the signs. It scared him to think that fighting the cancer might be too much for Izzie. She had told Cristina that she was unsure if she wanted treatment. She had been through so much maybe she would give up; maybe her hallucinations made her want to be with Denny. Realizing he was getting jealous once again of a dead guy he stroked Izzie's hair.

"Izzie, I'm right here and I need you to fight this because it's not supposed to happen like this." He whispered trying to keep the quiver out of his voice. She stirred slightly and he climbed into the bed beside her.

"Hi." she says softly in a hoarse voice.

"Hi." Alex replied as he kissed her forehead gently sending a small smile to her lips.

"Alex, I picked you."

"What?" he asked the confusion evident in his voice.

"When I saw Denny, I told him I wanted you." She explained gently as he pulled her closer "If I'm lucky enough you're my future."

Tears welled in his eyes as she drifted back to sleep. She had picked him which meant she had picked to fight, and he would be with her every step of the way.


End file.
